The Houn sits beside a roaring fireplace made of stone (in the shape of a lion's mouth, naturally). He rests in a burgundy leather armchair, staring oh-so-deeply into the audience.
"Hello, and good evening. It has been my sincerest pleasure to share with you the joys of my intellect. But, just as all tired clichés must be repeated, all good things must come to an end. Each evening, the Sun must die at the edge of the horizon. Every novel has a final chapter. Every assignment as mandatory requirement that must be fulfilled.
Amidst the Roar, you have witnessed the truth in its raw form. It has likely been painful. But alas, it was for the best. Into the night you take with you the knowledge I have afforded you. Consider yourself well equipped.
Beyond tomorrow lies a world in shambles. I admit this is a bleak outlook, but it is necessary. Each man is given the pages of history. These pages slowly degrade over millennia and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You cannot make a difference.
Every issue I have spoken my peace upon contained a course of right action that ought be followed. I am normative by my very nature. But not all can hear me, and even if they did, all would not listen. In a way, I have doomed you to walk the earth alienated by the knowledge you contain.
But wait! You are not alone. I am with you always, as a pale apparition of truth. Beneath my ashen face lies the beating heart of ghostly patriotism. And, as long as you carry me, I shall carry you.
Farewell, and Goodnight"
And he leapt into the fire.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Music: Godless Rubbish
There came a point in recent memory when I came to the following conclusion: I am the last entity walking he earth actually listening. It seems every layman I see has resigned themselves to their own world. This world is composed of whatever the individual should choose to filled their ears with. It is constructed between two "buds"- technological atrocities that serve only one purpose: enslave you.
The deft reader will have already understood my complaint through the above (admittedly vague) introduction. Allow me to slow it down. This generation, the so-called "millennials", is constantly filling their ears with noise that distracts them from the world around. As always, I shall attack the root of the problem, leaving generational ineptitude for another dance. This problem, of course, is music itself.
I have stated previously that as Americans, we enjoy absolute freedom. Indeed, all have the opportunity to destroy their minds with wretched "melodies". But I shall hope that my argument proves convincing enough to cure the reader.
First and foremost, music is always incorrect. It is personal. It is about whatever appeals to the listeners' ears. Whatever appeals is "good". Yet, every human has differing musical taste. They cannot all be "good". They cannot all be right. Still, the nature of music presupposes this. Therefore, to listen to music is to acknowledge to validity of Post-modernism....
My apologies, I just punched a hole in my wall. If ye subscribe to the doctrine of the Post-modernists, you are already gone. Stop reading.
Moreover, music distracts us not only from our immediate environment but also from the world as a whole. The sounds made in music are unnatural. You will find them in neither the wilderness nor the assembly line. So what good is music? It teaches us nothing about the world around. If anything, it compels us to ignore reality. Have you met a "musician"? They live in the place the occasional listener only visits. They are ghosts upon this earth. As Americans we have a responsibility to become the best possible humans we can be. We are in competition with the world. Totalitarian regimes are ahead of us in their restriction of this frivolity.
Now to ye naysayers. You who are addicted to the sounds of failure. I will offer up my own remedy. It is the philosophy that I walk with. My music is this earth. My melodies are the speeding cars pouring carbon into the atmosphere. The charge of tank battalions are my crescendos. I am a virtuoso in the sound of being right. My hands are my instruments. My ears are my record player. With them I hear the beautiful music of the American experiment. And to it, I offer my own solo.
Follow in my wake,
Calhoun out.
The deft reader will have already understood my complaint through the above (admittedly vague) introduction. Allow me to slow it down. This generation, the so-called "millennials", is constantly filling their ears with noise that distracts them from the world around. As always, I shall attack the root of the problem, leaving generational ineptitude for another dance. This problem, of course, is music itself.
I have stated previously that as Americans, we enjoy absolute freedom. Indeed, all have the opportunity to destroy their minds with wretched "melodies". But I shall hope that my argument proves convincing enough to cure the reader.
First and foremost, music is always incorrect. It is personal. It is about whatever appeals to the listeners' ears. Whatever appeals is "good". Yet, every human has differing musical taste. They cannot all be "good". They cannot all be right. Still, the nature of music presupposes this. Therefore, to listen to music is to acknowledge to validity of Post-modernism....
My apologies, I just punched a hole in my wall. If ye subscribe to the doctrine of the Post-modernists, you are already gone. Stop reading.
Moreover, music distracts us not only from our immediate environment but also from the world as a whole. The sounds made in music are unnatural. You will find them in neither the wilderness nor the assembly line. So what good is music? It teaches us nothing about the world around. If anything, it compels us to ignore reality. Have you met a "musician"? They live in the place the occasional listener only visits. They are ghosts upon this earth. As Americans we have a responsibility to become the best possible humans we can be. We are in competition with the world. Totalitarian regimes are ahead of us in their restriction of this frivolity.
Now to ye naysayers. You who are addicted to the sounds of failure. I will offer up my own remedy. It is the philosophy that I walk with. My music is this earth. My melodies are the speeding cars pouring carbon into the atmosphere. The charge of tank battalions are my crescendos. I am a virtuoso in the sound of being right. My hands are my instruments. My ears are my record player. With them I hear the beautiful music of the American experiment. And to it, I offer my own solo.
Follow in my wake,
Calhoun out.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Calhoun Christmas
Ladies and Gentlemen, the avalanche is in full swing. The currency is flowing. Cars are filling once empty lots. People are rushing. People are planning. Children are screaming. The whole of the earth (America) is bustling the way it has not bustled in at least year. I write, of course, of the holidays- the important ones. And yes, there are important ones. We will define holiday importance later.
Let me begin by relating a personal tale. The other evening I made a trip to my local market. Of course, I was not out to purchase any item. [My residence operates self-sufficiently, all I have, I produce]. I often venture into sprawling American cities (with no particular pursuit) to observe American life in all its splendor. I was particularly alarmed at this visit.
On this evening, I entered several fine establishments only to find that their good names were being destroyed by the very individuals who frequented them. I observed the following:
[1] A customer place a compact disc back into the correct place after they had decided not to make the purchase.
[2] A woman re-fold a piece of clothing after deciding not to try it on.
[3] In general, people smiling at hourly employees.
[4] Cars yielding to pedestrians in parking lots.
[5] Children and Adults alike behaving.
[6] Empathy, O disgusting empathy.
Bah! Eventually, my visit became so infuriating I was compelled to jump atop the nearest cash register and shout my peace. I would include the transcript, but it contains too many expletives to place on the interweb. The aforementioned observations reveal a sad state of affairs that must be remedied. And accordingly, I shall be the one to produce the elixir. Prepare for battle...
The single most important thing to remember when engaging in the holiday capitalist harvest is this: no one cares about you, but you. All things follow from this. An analogy should suffice: T. Hobbes described the law as hedgerows, within which, we are free to roam. This analogy is true. Within the hedgerows of the law there must be chaos for their to be freedom. The marketplace is within these hedgerows, thus, it must be a place of nauseating madness- so thick and terrible it could choke your will to live. The naysayers shall ask- why? Why must there be chaos?
A simple answer follows an idiotic question. There must be chaos because our desires are chaotic. We are complicated human beings who do not know what they truly want until absolute freedom is thrust upon them. We must be given the latitude to discover our true will. The marketplace can provide this.
The remedy is simple, friends. To be sure, I witnessed things last evening that encourage me. There may yet be chaos in paradise. But I shall not leave it to chance. You must be told what to do so that you can be free. Here follows the Great American Model for Holiday Shopping:
Proclamation: The market must be laid to waste.
I. Parking;
A. Park as close as possible, as slowly as possible. God forbid, you should have to "walk" great distances. It is always better to wait 5 minutes with the oil burning rather than park 50 feet farther away.
B. Do not yield- to pedestrians, other cars, or animals. Yielding only slows commerce. If they were right they would no be in your way.
C. If you are in a larger marketplace, drive to each individual store. Expedience is supreme.
II. Entering a store
A. Accept no greeting. Some stores have stumbled upon a rough path. Do not reply to their congenial workers.
B. Open doors for no one. You are not "all in this together". This is a war.
III. Browsing
A. The rule of thumb is to take everything you are remotely interested [and some things you're not] and either place it into your bag, or onto the floor. If it is a piece of clothing, unfold it. If it is an item in a package, remove it from its package; and, if you have time, place it back into the package incorrectly.
B. Shout at employees. You are there to get what you want, not to care about their "feelings"
C. Allow your child to cry. Ignore the child, it will eventually get tired.
D. Do not bend to the store's will. Ignore their "lines" and "policies". Organizations that have set up pre-determined artificial hedgerows must not be suffered. If you wish to purchase an item, simply walk to the front of the "line" and do so. If you wish to return something, return it and take your money back by force if necessary.
IV. General
A. Remember, all things exist for your benefit.
B. Remember, nothing is beyond your reach unless you allow it to be.
C. Never forget, all prevail when each individual makes every attempt to prevail.
The importance of the holidays is to provide us with a perfect snapshot of how we should operate year round. The important holidays expose this. So, do not fret, all is not lost. There are many days left in this season. Seize them! Besiege them! And if you have already failed, there is always next year.
Calhoun out.
Let me begin by relating a personal tale. The other evening I made a trip to my local market. Of course, I was not out to purchase any item. [My residence operates self-sufficiently, all I have, I produce]. I often venture into sprawling American cities (with no particular pursuit) to observe American life in all its splendor. I was particularly alarmed at this visit.
On this evening, I entered several fine establishments only to find that their good names were being destroyed by the very individuals who frequented them. I observed the following:
[1] A customer place a compact disc back into the correct place after they had decided not to make the purchase.
[2] A woman re-fold a piece of clothing after deciding not to try it on.
[3] In general, people smiling at hourly employees.
[4] Cars yielding to pedestrians in parking lots.
[5] Children and Adults alike behaving.
[6] Empathy, O disgusting empathy.
Bah! Eventually, my visit became so infuriating I was compelled to jump atop the nearest cash register and shout my peace. I would include the transcript, but it contains too many expletives to place on the interweb. The aforementioned observations reveal a sad state of affairs that must be remedied. And accordingly, I shall be the one to produce the elixir. Prepare for battle...
The single most important thing to remember when engaging in the holiday capitalist harvest is this: no one cares about you, but you. All things follow from this. An analogy should suffice: T. Hobbes described the law as hedgerows, within which, we are free to roam. This analogy is true. Within the hedgerows of the law there must be chaos for their to be freedom. The marketplace is within these hedgerows, thus, it must be a place of nauseating madness- so thick and terrible it could choke your will to live. The naysayers shall ask- why? Why must there be chaos?
A simple answer follows an idiotic question. There must be chaos because our desires are chaotic. We are complicated human beings who do not know what they truly want until absolute freedom is thrust upon them. We must be given the latitude to discover our true will. The marketplace can provide this.
The remedy is simple, friends. To be sure, I witnessed things last evening that encourage me. There may yet be chaos in paradise. But I shall not leave it to chance. You must be told what to do so that you can be free. Here follows the Great American Model for Holiday Shopping:
Proclamation: The market must be laid to waste.
I. Parking;
A. Park as close as possible, as slowly as possible. God forbid, you should have to "walk" great distances. It is always better to wait 5 minutes with the oil burning rather than park 50 feet farther away.
B. Do not yield- to pedestrians, other cars, or animals. Yielding only slows commerce. If they were right they would no be in your way.
C. If you are in a larger marketplace, drive to each individual store. Expedience is supreme.
II. Entering a store
A. Accept no greeting. Some stores have stumbled upon a rough path. Do not reply to their congenial workers.
B. Open doors for no one. You are not "all in this together". This is a war.
III. Browsing
A. The rule of thumb is to take everything you are remotely interested [and some things you're not] and either place it into your bag, or onto the floor. If it is a piece of clothing, unfold it. If it is an item in a package, remove it from its package; and, if you have time, place it back into the package incorrectly.
B. Shout at employees. You are there to get what you want, not to care about their "feelings"
C. Allow your child to cry. Ignore the child, it will eventually get tired.
D. Do not bend to the store's will. Ignore their "lines" and "policies". Organizations that have set up pre-determined artificial hedgerows must not be suffered. If you wish to purchase an item, simply walk to the front of the "line" and do so. If you wish to return something, return it and take your money back by force if necessary.
IV. General
A. Remember, all things exist for your benefit.
B. Remember, nothing is beyond your reach unless you allow it to be.
C. Never forget, all prevail when each individual makes every attempt to prevail.
The importance of the holidays is to provide us with a perfect snapshot of how we should operate year round. The important holidays expose this. So, do not fret, all is not lost. There are many days left in this season. Seize them! Besiege them! And if you have already failed, there is always next year.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
And the Righteous Shall Pillage the Earth...
Proclamation: The state of being Christian affords one the authority to ruin the rest of God's creation.
There is an ongoing "movement" in this country that seeks to undermine the principles humanity was founded upon. Everywhere they look to make life more difficult. They beg you- Conserve! Recycle! Renew! Invest! Go Green! [God forbid it.] Everywhere they infect: street corners, shopping malls, all three branches of government, et cetera. They bring a message of folly directly to your television screen while planting their agents in the classroom to affect your children. There is no reprieve from their efforts [that much can be admired]. I have included a summary of their argument in the film below:
The Battle Cry of the Stewards
Let us raze their argument. Their several implicit realities that the Stewards [we shall call them] have laid out in their visual manifesto:
[1] We can save polar bears by buying electric cars.
[2] The Wilds will show us grateful gratefulness for our efforts.
[3] The Wild becomes angry with every act of human expansion.
[4] The Wild is adorable.
The truth of each matter is as follows:
[1] There is nothing anyone can do to save the polar bears in their natural condition.
[2] Wilderness cannot show gratitude.
[3] Wilderness cannot show anger.
[4] The Wild is just as wretched as the human race.
The film begged you to join the Steward's cause with a plea from their darling polar bear. There are a few facts left out of this plea. For one, lone polar bears do not sit and watch global warming in their free time. In fact, "lone polar bear" is a myth. This country has been indoctrinated with the belief that their are approx. 5 polar bears left on the whole planet. After careful research [using my 1980 Encyclopedia Americanica] I discovered their are 25,000 polar bears left on the earth. But this is beside the point. If polar bears are meant to die out, let them die out. Their hunting habits and lives are dependent upon ice. Humans have built their houses upon the rocks, thank you very much.
If polar bears aren't intelligent enough to base their livelihood on something that won't melt when we build coal refineries, then they aren't intelligent enough to feel human emotions. This goes for the entire wilderness. The Wild cannot feel gratitude and anger. It is not a collective entity. It does not have a central mind. They claim: "Every time you cut down a tree a polar bear dies" False! The whole of the earth does not react as an interconnected entity.
What's more, why would we want to save the Wild were it on the verge of destruction? Let us remember all that the Wild has given us: Disease, Famine, Drought, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, the list runs forever and a day. The day the last wild thing dies I will drink a glass of fire and call it victory.
In the beginning God gave us the power over the rest of his creation. We were not elected Stewards, we were appointed dictators. Now we shall do what comes most naturally to us: destroy. It is our right to use this earth like there is no tomorrow. Cut down the trees and name the streets after them. Do not look back. Do not shed a tear for the polar bear. Were you to ever encounter him he would surely devour you. He would shed no tear for you.
Onward! To the reaches of the Earth and back again, dear Friends. Spare us the cycles and green talk. We have no time for it. We have a planet to plunder.
Calhoun out.
There is an ongoing "movement" in this country that seeks to undermine the principles humanity was founded upon. Everywhere they look to make life more difficult. They beg you- Conserve! Recycle! Renew! Invest! Go Green! [God forbid it.] Everywhere they infect: street corners, shopping malls, all three branches of government, et cetera. They bring a message of folly directly to your television screen while planting their agents in the classroom to affect your children. There is no reprieve from their efforts [that much can be admired]. I have included a summary of their argument in the film below:
The Battle Cry of the Stewards
Let us raze their argument. Their several implicit realities that the Stewards [we shall call them] have laid out in their visual manifesto:
[1] We can save polar bears by buying electric cars.
[2] The Wilds will show us grateful gratefulness for our efforts.
[3] The Wild becomes angry with every act of human expansion.
[4] The Wild is adorable.
The truth of each matter is as follows:
[1] There is nothing anyone can do to save the polar bears in their natural condition.
[2] Wilderness cannot show gratitude.
[3] Wilderness cannot show anger.
[4] The Wild is just as wretched as the human race.
The film begged you to join the Steward's cause with a plea from their darling polar bear. There are a few facts left out of this plea. For one, lone polar bears do not sit and watch global warming in their free time. In fact, "lone polar bear" is a myth. This country has been indoctrinated with the belief that their are approx. 5 polar bears left on the whole planet. After careful research [using my 1980 Encyclopedia Americanica] I discovered their are 25,000 polar bears left on the earth. But this is beside the point. If polar bears are meant to die out, let them die out. Their hunting habits and lives are dependent upon ice. Humans have built their houses upon the rocks, thank you very much.
If polar bears aren't intelligent enough to base their livelihood on something that won't melt when we build coal refineries, then they aren't intelligent enough to feel human emotions. This goes for the entire wilderness. The Wild cannot feel gratitude and anger. It is not a collective entity. It does not have a central mind. They claim: "Every time you cut down a tree a polar bear dies" False! The whole of the earth does not react as an interconnected entity.
What's more, why would we want to save the Wild were it on the verge of destruction? Let us remember all that the Wild has given us: Disease, Famine, Drought, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, the list runs forever and a day. The day the last wild thing dies I will drink a glass of fire and call it victory.
In the beginning God gave us the power over the rest of his creation. We were not elected Stewards, we were appointed dictators. Now we shall do what comes most naturally to us: destroy. It is our right to use this earth like there is no tomorrow. Cut down the trees and name the streets after them. Do not look back. Do not shed a tear for the polar bear. Were you to ever encounter him he would surely devour you. He would shed no tear for you.
Onward! To the reaches of the Earth and back again, dear Friends. Spare us the cycles and green talk. We have no time for it. We have a planet to plunder.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Leviticollision
"Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable"(Lev. 18:22)
The above verse speaks for itself. I need not clarify nor introduce it, for it is apparent our topic of discussion is homosexuality. Before we delve into this issue allow me to provide the reader with autobiographical information that should serve as a backdrop for my argument.
The Houn is genderless, and as such, has no personal experience in regards to this subject. I have never felt the sexual desire, nor passion, nor love. And though my enemies would claim this disqualifies any opinion I may have, the reader may guess I disagree. In fact, I know that asexuality affords me a unique vantage point no sexual being possess. I am impartial. In every subject I am right; however, my enemies ought to be more convinced by my rightness since I take neither side. Let us be done with this business and address the issue itself.
It is pertinent to present this issue in the form of an argument containing points, counter points, etc; particularly because I see myself as a mediator between two sides that I will not hesitate to summarize using impartial labels:
Group 1: Homosexuality is a perversion of God's original intention and should not be condoned in our society.
Group 2: Homosexuality is an inherited trait part of our biology and should recognized and respected in society.
Now, there are many subsets of these sides that attempt to blur the lines with rationality and diplomacy, but they are of no matter. This is the reality of public rhetoric as it stands today. A conversation between these two groups usually functions as follows:
Group 2: We would like you to recognize our rights.
Group 1: No.
Group 2: No seriously, we really would like to be able to marry each other.
Group 1: No, not allowed. God says so.
Group 2: [Expletives]
Group 1: [Something about fire and brimstone]
Group 2: [Organizes a political rally that functions as a veritable anger-festival]
Group 1: [Recites "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God"; connects homosexual acts to natural disasters]
The conversation devolves from here. This fight has raged for all time, or at least as long as I can remember, which is as good as forever. And, let us be clear: I did not start this fight. In usual fashion, we must deconstruct both sides to excavate the real truth.
There is an archaic air about Group 1. I am a champion of things long dead. Resurrection of old testament law appeals to my iron sensibilities. Moreover, forcing my beliefs upon others using civil/military authority is a pastime of mine. However, in this case that action is illogical for one simple reason: We must not discourage the wrong actions of others when that wrong action dictates their own erase. Allowing homosexuals to marry would amount to less children with the genetic predisposition for homosexuality. Over time, there would be none left. [Say what you will of adoption and surrogate mothers; these practices will merely slow the process]. If Group 1 really wanted to remove homosexuality from society as a sin, they would let it extinguish itself.
The prime dispute I hold with Group 2 is that they have created their own problem. If at this very moment I declared people whose favorite color is orange to be a minority and lobbied for them, I could call it a civil rights movement. Moreover, I could created my own enemy simply by annoying them. I could shout on street corners and be so loud as to force the middle ground to take a stand. And of course, they would stand against me because I would be incredibly irritating. This is Group 2's quagmire. If they really wanted rights they could have them in an instance, simply be attaining them stealthily. Instead, they demand the surrender of the opposition as a condition of their victory.
I have hinted at the solution underlying this problem. Both sides can claim victory. Homosexuals can marry. Group 1 can work toward their world without sin. However, in the end, this argument isn't about solving a problem. It is about argument for the sake of argument. It is about yelling atop your lungs with fury. It is about acts of violence and annoying pop singers who wear audacious costumes. It is theatre. And, in truth, neither side can bare for it to end. Debate will only end when one side sounds the death knell with a faint sign and a few words: "This bores me..."
Far be it from be to spoil the fun.
Calhoun out.
The above verse speaks for itself. I need not clarify nor introduce it, for it is apparent our topic of discussion is homosexuality. Before we delve into this issue allow me to provide the reader with autobiographical information that should serve as a backdrop for my argument.
The Houn is genderless, and as such, has no personal experience in regards to this subject. I have never felt the sexual desire, nor passion, nor love. And though my enemies would claim this disqualifies any opinion I may have, the reader may guess I disagree. In fact, I know that asexuality affords me a unique vantage point no sexual being possess. I am impartial. In every subject I am right; however, my enemies ought to be more convinced by my rightness since I take neither side. Let us be done with this business and address the issue itself.
It is pertinent to present this issue in the form of an argument containing points, counter points, etc; particularly because I see myself as a mediator between two sides that I will not hesitate to summarize using impartial labels:
Group 1: Homosexuality is a perversion of God's original intention and should not be condoned in our society.
Group 2: Homosexuality is an inherited trait part of our biology and should recognized and respected in society.
Now, there are many subsets of these sides that attempt to blur the lines with rationality and diplomacy, but they are of no matter. This is the reality of public rhetoric as it stands today. A conversation between these two groups usually functions as follows:
Group 2: We would like you to recognize our rights.
Group 1: No.
Group 2: No seriously, we really would like to be able to marry each other.
Group 1: No, not allowed. God says so.
Group 2: [Expletives]
Group 1: [Something about fire and brimstone]
Group 2: [Organizes a political rally that functions as a veritable anger-festival]
Group 1: [Recites "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God"; connects homosexual acts to natural disasters]
The conversation devolves from here. This fight has raged for all time, or at least as long as I can remember, which is as good as forever. And, let us be clear: I did not start this fight. In usual fashion, we must deconstruct both sides to excavate the real truth.
There is an archaic air about Group 1. I am a champion of things long dead. Resurrection of old testament law appeals to my iron sensibilities. Moreover, forcing my beliefs upon others using civil/military authority is a pastime of mine. However, in this case that action is illogical for one simple reason: We must not discourage the wrong actions of others when that wrong action dictates their own erase. Allowing homosexuals to marry would amount to less children with the genetic predisposition for homosexuality. Over time, there would be none left. [Say what you will of adoption and surrogate mothers; these practices will merely slow the process]. If Group 1 really wanted to remove homosexuality from society as a sin, they would let it extinguish itself.
The prime dispute I hold with Group 2 is that they have created their own problem. If at this very moment I declared people whose favorite color is orange to be a minority and lobbied for them, I could call it a civil rights movement. Moreover, I could created my own enemy simply by annoying them. I could shout on street corners and be so loud as to force the middle ground to take a stand. And of course, they would stand against me because I would be incredibly irritating. This is Group 2's quagmire. If they really wanted rights they could have them in an instance, simply be attaining them stealthily. Instead, they demand the surrender of the opposition as a condition of their victory.
I have hinted at the solution underlying this problem. Both sides can claim victory. Homosexuals can marry. Group 1 can work toward their world without sin. However, in the end, this argument isn't about solving a problem. It is about argument for the sake of argument. It is about yelling atop your lungs with fury. It is about acts of violence and annoying pop singers who wear audacious costumes. It is theatre. And, in truth, neither side can bare for it to end. Debate will only end when one side sounds the death knell with a faint sign and a few words: "This bores me..."
Far be it from be to spoil the fun.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Godliness is Human Attrition
Greetings dear friends, it has been too long. Two weeks to be exact. I would provide you with an explanation of my absence, but I do not have one. I was here, and quite present. However, I felt my last post triumphant enough to sustain my audience for twice the normal period. When striking a beautiful note, let it ring out.
This week I thought it particularly important to delve into history. For our purposes, we need wind backward nearly two centuries to the beginnings of the Industrial Revolution. We need venture back to the writings of one Andrew Ure (1778-1857), another old friend of mine. Through his writings we can extrapolate a modern doctrine that vindicates his period and our own.
Proclamation: The attrition of humanity brings humans closer to God.
Ure wrote in his "Philosophy of the Manufacturers"(1835) that "in the factory, every member of the loom is so adjusted, that the driving force leaves the attendant nearly nothing at all to do, certainly no muscular fatigue to sustain, while it procures for him good, unfailing wages, besides a healthy workshop gratis." I concur, dear Andrew. When I first learned that factory workers voiced discontent at their menial occupations, the former was my response. Unfortunately, the working class fails to grasp the joy in their reality and tends to lash out irrationally [often using molotov coctails and other household explosives]. Whole governments are based on this insanity. [China, Russia, Laos, Vietnam, France, Detroit]
Exhale, exhale more. Feel the weight of living float off your shoulders. This is the reality of the factory worker. Yes, my friends, factory work is dehumanizing. Yes, it turns man into an "appendage of the machine." Yes, it destroys the family ties that bond and unite us. But, is it evil?
Of course not. Early Christian mystics [who got so many other things wrong] got it right by claiming: the journey toward God is journey into darkness. As we get closer to get God, we get farther away from humanity. Factory work is the most efficient at destroying the former. Therefore, dehumanizing factory work is a journey toward God. The less human we are, the closer to God we become. The fewer ties to humanity that constrain us, the easier it becomes to rise above existence toward the heavens.
We must understand the modern implications of this conclusion. Clearly, a wave of contentedness should wash over the huddled masses. Cries will be silenced not just in the Great America, but o'er the entire earth. In fact, as Americans we can look at everything we use [clothes, electronics, musical instruments, etc.] and know that they played a part in bringing one lucky human closer to God.
Naysayers will point to my early argument regarding suffering and say "isn't this a contradiction?" No, I never contradict myself. Dictum 1 insures I am always right. I do not know what would happen if I contradicted myself, God only knows. To be sure, Human Attrition is not suffering, it is beautiful and Godly. Suffering still plays no part in the Christian experience.
Now get back to the assembly line.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
"Destroyer"
The Houn appears before a Congress of thieves, standing atop an oak lectern inside the capitol chambers. Men and women stop, frozen as the day they would die.
They spout the following: Christianity is a faith of peace [pause for angry cry], Christians are to turn the other cheek, Christians have to 'justify' violent action. Bah! They say the Gospel refutes the past. They say it reverses the glory won in battle by the Israelites of old. They say that modernity deserves a Christian Church that preaches non-resistance.
To be sure, this is not one sect, but several. One claims non-resistance, another justification, one preaches 'realism'. But let us be clear: none of these routes will lead us to victory. There is not a single iota of truth within these theories. In fact, the true evidence of their treachery is all too apparent with a closer look into each.
To Non-resistors: I ask, what will you do when Satan begins chopping down your door? Nothing of course! You will let yourself be overtaken. You will let yourself become a victim. The Good Book cannot save those who will not save themselves. One cannot flounder peaceably in matters of life and death. This is the way the world ends.
To Justifiers: Show yourself! Jump atop this very stage so that I may look at you. What will you do when the circumstance cannot be justified? What will you do when your own dogma restricts your answer? You have attempted to make exceptions, you have understood the folly of the former. Yet you create a rigid doctrine that will serve only to restrict. Your failing will be the endless debate your theory produces.
To Realists: You follow in the footsteps of H. Kissinger. These footsteps are great and perilous. But above all, they are terrible. In truth, you have been willing to do what is necessary. You have been willing to fight the world in all its evil. But your fault is greater than all the others: Incompetence. I have never met a realist that knew what they were doing. I have never met one who could fully commit to the ramifications of their beliefs.
Listen! All ye who subscribe to these snake oils. You may properly require a solution. Fear not, for when have I failed in provision? My solution is brash. It is simplistic, and consequently, beautiful. And so, I shall provide it in first person:
I am the Destroyer. I am the sword of my religion. I decide where to fight and when to fight. No one offends me, they merely attempt to defend themselves. For my sphere of influence is the earth. All who live on this earth are subject to the strength in my arm. I do not distinguish between friend and enemy. My mind is America, my heart is my Religion. My appendages serve both.
Christians are not restrained any more than atheists in questions of warfare. In fact, with the Divine at their shoulders, they are permitted far greater liberties. We need not 'justify' our fights with philosophical squabbling. Our name is our justification. Perfection has its benefits. This is America, this is God's country. We go with God into the savage regions of the world. Our intentions are irrelevant.
So, with every great act of violence cry: "God wills it!" Carry the knowledge that the Book does not restrain you, it empowers you. Toil not over the theories of Thunderheads [Yoder, Niebuhr, Augustine]. As I have said before: discard them and embrace truth."
There were no survivors.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Krampus Never Sleeps
Proclamation: Krampus Never Sleeps.
Now, I understand many in this great country are unaware of significance or even the existence of the aforementioned creature. To be sure, America has put an ocean between itself and fair Krampus [though escape is futile]. But, I am ahead of myself. Let me first [as I often do] educate the reader.
Krampus is...[Alas, such a statement is dangerous, for where am I to begin?]
These are his anthropological origins. First, Krampus is a demon. He is from what many can refer to as "the old country," that is, Austria, Hungary, the Czech Republic and Croatia. He appears as the counterpoint for a much beloved bunch of hogwash known as Santa Claus. Yes, Krampus is an Austria Christmas Demon. He is the Hammer of Judgement for those children who abandon perfect morality.
Now, let us discuss his appearance. Many artist's renderings of the Creature abide, but I will assert here that none of them do him justice. Indeed, I have provided the reader with an image to marinate over, but it is only starting point. Like most demons, he certainly has horns. Surely he carries tree branches and rusty chains with which to beat naughty children. Surely he totes a basket in which to place his most infamous offenders. But these images do nothing to portray his true identity.
The physical descriptions are elements of his work, not of his nature. His nature is not physical. He is a Specter. Part shadow, all judgement. He is a wraith of the known and unknown world. He is absolute evil. Yet, he is purposeful. He is mission oriented. He provides a service. He adds a balance to the equation of Christmas and indeed, the world.
It is not enough to know that something is wrong. We must know that something is punishable [for men are shabby]. We must know that morality has teeth. Krampus has plenty. I write, of course, of a structural authority. The world would be a terrible place without authority. Freedom is great between the hedges, but beyond those hedges we must be told there are monsters.
So rejoice, dear reader, Krampus never sleeps. Therefore, order never sleeps. In all things, especially the realm of ethics, it is important to inquire: "Will my actions merit a visit from Krampus?" This is a practical question to prevent a visit from a demon. However, it is also a question that yields a broader theme, which I have alluded to herein.
Do not fall into the sin of fearlessness. It only takes a moment for morality to vanish and our better angels to disappear. And you will know that moment by its trail of dread. It will be your last. You will hear the chains a'coming. As all fearless men do. Trust me, for I fear only for your safety. After all, Krampus would never visit the Houn since his chains are reserved for those in the wrong.
Cahoun out.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Let the Stoning Begin
Even while standing on the bedrock of Absolute Truth, I find the black fortress that is my heart under siege from time to time. To be sure, I am never wrong; however, that doesn't mean I don't discover new things to be right about. I was recently besieged by the inexplicable conclusion that all Christians seem to be missing a key element of their faith. I speak, of course, of Old Testament Laws long forgotten and in need of resurrection.
"You shall not permit a female sorcerer to live."[Exodus 22:18] The clear implication of this verse is undeniable: God wills the witch hunt. The vitality of this command is all the more apparent in Modern America. Literary examples from the many blasphemies of J.K. Rowling abound; and, invite our young women to follow Lucifer.
"Whoever lies with an animal shall be put to death."[Exodus 22:19] Need I explain? Most State legislatures ban this act. The obvious ethical dilemma lies in the fact that a Goat cannot express consent. State Law need only amend their penal codes to include Bestiality under capital offenses.
"You shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk."[Exodus 23:19] I agree.
"...nor shall you put on a garment made of two different materials."[Leviticus 19:19] I must admit that I have been guilty of this in the past, some of my garments do read "95% Cotton, 5% Elastane". But henceforth I shall burn them, as should the reader.
"You may eat any clean birds."[Deuteronomy 14:11] This particular line of Law has tested The Houn. Under the list of unclean birds lies the mighty Bald Eagle, the glorious representation of this great nation. I am offended to say the least. Under Christ's New Covenant, we are absolved of this command. For no animal is unclean. However, is this divine permission to consume eagles? I should hope not, since he who ingests a Bald Eagle gains knowledge of America's nuclear launch codes as long as the raptor remains in his insides.
Friends, let us begin with these resurrections of old laws, increasing their number gradually so America can adjust. Surely we do the work of God, reminding our countrymen of his commands. I understand the hardship incurred upon the reader. It is not always convenient to stop and stone every witch that should pass you by. Be strong, for The Houn has faith in you.
Calhoun out.
Let me begin by halting naysayers in their tracks. The New Covenant in Jesus Christ did not abolish the Jewish Law, it only modified it [more on those modifications later]. I've chosen a few laws in particular to unpack. Hopefully, in observing my methodology, the reader will be equipped to do the same with others.
"You shall not permit a female sorcerer to live."[Exodus 22:18] The clear implication of this verse is undeniable: God wills the witch hunt. The vitality of this command is all the more apparent in Modern America. Literary examples from the many blasphemies of J.K. Rowling abound; and, invite our young women to follow Lucifer.
"Whoever lies with an animal shall be put to death."[Exodus 22:19] Need I explain? Most State legislatures ban this act. The obvious ethical dilemma lies in the fact that a Goat cannot express consent. State Law need only amend their penal codes to include Bestiality under capital offenses.
"You shall not boil a kid in its mother's milk."[Exodus 23:19] I agree.
"...nor shall you put on a garment made of two different materials."[Leviticus 19:19] I must admit that I have been guilty of this in the past, some of my garments do read "95% Cotton, 5% Elastane". But henceforth I shall burn them, as should the reader.
[Do you see the family resemblance?]
"You may eat any clean birds."[Deuteronomy 14:11] This particular line of Law has tested The Houn. Under the list of unclean birds lies the mighty Bald Eagle, the glorious representation of this great nation. I am offended to say the least. Under Christ's New Covenant, we are absolved of this command. For no animal is unclean. However, is this divine permission to consume eagles? I should hope not, since he who ingests a Bald Eagle gains knowledge of America's nuclear launch codes as long as the raptor remains in his insides.
Friends, let us begin with these resurrections of old laws, increasing their number gradually so America can adjust. Surely we do the work of God, reminding our countrymen of his commands. I understand the hardship incurred upon the reader. It is not always convenient to stop and stone every witch that should pass you by. Be strong, for The Houn has faith in you.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Hope is Hilarious
In course of reading and considering 1 Peter, it becomes easy to resign oneself to suffering "in the name of Christ". Several select verses suggest that as God-fearing men, we are to suffer for our savior [in particular, 1 Peter 4:13-16]. I write today with the solemn intention of ridding the reader of this laughable notion.
Resolved and Proclaimed: Hope is a hilarious indulgence that America has neither the time nor the patience to entertain.
Let us first stack the enemy's rhetorical house of cards [with the full intention of obliterating it with a gust of Absolute Truth]. Naysayers build their stance on the suffering of Christ. They say that just as Christ suffered, we are to suffer. They say that Christianity is, by nature, a way of life that exposes one to suffering. They say that in some sense, Christians are called to suffer because Christianity itself is not an easy way of life. They say that the Christian may endure this suffering with the hope [Bah!] that they will be rewarded in the afterlife. [You may pause to laugh before I continue.]
Only one notion from the above series of fallacies can be confirmed: Christ suffered. Indeed, our Lord and Savior did die by crucifixion at the hands of Roman officials and Pharisee accusers. But, one cannot interpret this historical and spiritual fact as the beginning of perpetual Christian suffering. Imagine: a religion who's single goal is to condemn its believers to a life of suffering based on an overall benefit to humanity. Bah! Herein lies the hilarious conclusion: in Christianity, life is suffering and hope is death.
Christians are not called to suffer, nor can they expect even an ounce of suffering in their lifetimes. Christ obviously suffered so that Christians wouldn't have to. We need not hope because as Christians, we live in the best of all possible worlds. We laugh at hope because it implies that we are unhappy. And, after all, what is there to be unhappy about? This is America under God. We are a fortress of perfect humanity.
So take those 'calls to serve' in the lesser regions of the world with a fist full of salt. Obviously, if they're not happy, they're not Christian enough. Clearly, our Christianity is more powerful than their Christianity. We need not lower ourselves in the name of 'compassion' and 'philanthropy' because that would risk suffering on our part. After all, what is the purpose of Christianity if not to make our lives better?
Surely you see my side [the correct side] of the argument. I suggest you too adjust your life accordingly, reminding yourself on a daily basis of the former. Free yourself with the knowledge that you already reside in the world's beacon of light. Moreover, you will undoubtedly be overcome with a feeling of disgust for those who think differently. They attempt to reign on our collective, perpetual parade of happiness. Discard them, and discard their dogma. Embrace the truth. And all the patriots in the room said: "Amen."
Calhoun out.
Resolved and Proclaimed: Hope is a hilarious indulgence that America has neither the time nor the patience to entertain.
Let us first stack the enemy's rhetorical house of cards [with the full intention of obliterating it with a gust of Absolute Truth]. Naysayers build their stance on the suffering of Christ. They say that just as Christ suffered, we are to suffer. They say that Christianity is, by nature, a way of life that exposes one to suffering. They say that in some sense, Christians are called to suffer because Christianity itself is not an easy way of life. They say that the Christian may endure this suffering with the hope [Bah!] that they will be rewarded in the afterlife. [You may pause to laugh before I continue.]
Only one notion from the above series of fallacies can be confirmed: Christ suffered. Indeed, our Lord and Savior did die by crucifixion at the hands of Roman officials and Pharisee accusers. But, one cannot interpret this historical and spiritual fact as the beginning of perpetual Christian suffering. Imagine: a religion who's single goal is to condemn its believers to a life of suffering based on an overall benefit to humanity. Bah! Herein lies the hilarious conclusion: in Christianity, life is suffering and hope is death.
Christians are not called to suffer, nor can they expect even an ounce of suffering in their lifetimes. Christ obviously suffered so that Christians wouldn't have to. We need not hope because as Christians, we live in the best of all possible worlds. We laugh at hope because it implies that we are unhappy. And, after all, what is there to be unhappy about? This is America under God. We are a fortress of perfect humanity.
So take those 'calls to serve' in the lesser regions of the world with a fist full of salt. Obviously, if they're not happy, they're not Christian enough. Clearly, our Christianity is more powerful than their Christianity. We need not lower ourselves in the name of 'compassion' and 'philanthropy' because that would risk suffering on our part. After all, what is the purpose of Christianity if not to make our lives better?
Surely you see my side [the correct side] of the argument. I suggest you too adjust your life accordingly, reminding yourself on a daily basis of the former. Free yourself with the knowledge that you already reside in the world's beacon of light. Moreover, you will undoubtedly be overcome with a feeling of disgust for those who think differently. They attempt to reign on our collective, perpetual parade of happiness. Discard them, and discard their dogma. Embrace the truth. And all the patriots in the room said: "Amen."
Calhoun out.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
"T. Hobbes is a Friend of Mine"
Flourish. The Houn stands atop a soapbox labeled "Liberty" at the intersection of War and Peace. With hands raised his voice shaketh the ground.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I will not bore you with petty quips at Chilton the Lesser. I will not tease you with hints at things to come. I will not insult you with history lessons from the schoolhouse. I will not tickle you with the feather-duster of post-modernism. No, instead I will free you from the chains of indecision. I will rescue you from the peril of contemplative thought. I will snatch you with the talons of Liberty.
I speak today in response to a certain blind Frenchman, one Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Though long dead some two hundred and fifty years, he haunts classrooms and libraries alike. It is this man who enslaves future generations to ideas both silly and dangerous. Namely, that man is more than the sum total of his desires. Bah!
He claims further, that a child only need be taught to live a better life, that with knowledge they can return to the Garden of Eden. He says we were once peaceable, once pristine as a species, and uncorrupted by our present reality. He says that we are all at heart compassionate, altruistic, and it is only our possessions that corrupt us.
Has he no sense? Has he never observed the world in all its terrifying splendor? Has he not seen the unending cyclic carnage of the earth? Education is not a tool of personal reformation, it is a weapon. A man's personal might only grows stronger with knowledge. With knowledge he is better able to harm his fellow man, not help him.
Should Rousseau have ever traveled anywhere outside the West, he would have discovered this readily enough. And, indeed he had no need to, since examples were present. His own civilization was built on educated people enslaving uneducated people. The wheel is the same over the whole earth. So it goes.
Should any man ever march up to you and cry "Rousseau knows best," you need only obtain your copy of Hobbes' Leviathan and throw it forcefully, aiming right between the eyes...for only severe cranial trauma is sufficient to break the Frenchman's spell. So, I will give you the truth, the absolute truth [see Dictums]:
The mind is simple, the heart is fiction, we love ourselves like no other. There is no other end, nor other beginning. You cannot fix the brokenness of all mankind: their interests. You cannot change a man; you can only take care to stay out of his way, or to fight him. And as for me, I will opt for a fight...as should all of you.
So, I pray you burn the pages of his discourse and discard them at your leisure, for they will lead you only to ruin. Think of his work as a storybook of human history. For, a storybook, it can only be. As for the rest of us, TO WAR."
Thunderous applause.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Male and Female: All are Equal in their Inferiority to the Houn
Let us be clear, I will never write with the intention of resolving a problem. Conflict resolution is beneath me. Fights exist because fights are interesting and peace is boring. So to all ye who cry "world peace!" I say: "Grow up." However, if in the course of formal discourse I happen to make the world a better place, consider it a grudging donation. The following is one of those anomalies.
Proclamation: Men and Women are divinely equal, unique, and inferior to myself.
The question of equality arises from the pesky nature of the Jewish creation story. Namely, there are two of them. The simplest recommendation would be to simply tear out Gen. 2:4-4:26. Go ahead and do that. If you did so, you can stop reading.
Upon glancing over the two separate creation stories you'll notice that the first reads like a campfire chant, while the second is like something out of the Brothers Grimm. The key verse in question for the first tale is number 27:
The pertinent verse is as follows:
Furthermore, though male and female are equal, they are unique. Men can't do everything women can do, women can't do everything men can do. If the sexes had identical roles and skill sets this world would be as boring as world peace. If you don't believe that men and women are different, you're living in a dream world. Wake up.
If nothing else, male and female can find unity in their mutual inferiority to myself. I am John C. Calhoun, I am right, I am sexless. "There is no other tale to tell"
Calhoun out.
Proclamation: Men and Women are divinely equal, unique, and inferior to myself.
The question of equality arises from the pesky nature of the Jewish creation story. Namely, there are two of them. The simplest recommendation would be to simply tear out Gen. 2:4-4:26. Go ahead and do that. If you did so, you can stop reading.
Upon glancing over the two separate creation stories you'll notice that the first reads like a campfire chant, while the second is like something out of the Brothers Grimm. The key verse in question for the first tale is number 27:
"So God created Humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them"Now, that was a tad redundant, but granted, it is an important point to make. This verse makes no clear distinction between male and female. The structure is as follows: God > Humanity [Male and Female]. Now for the second tale:
"the the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground..."[2:7]
"And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman..."[2:22]Again, there is no inequality in creation. The first woman was formed from a part of the first man, but the man was formed from dust. The building blocks of both are unflattering. So far, Male and Female are equal- then comes the fall. At this point, certain parties (namely, the writers of the Malleus Maleficarum) claim that since woman committed the first sin and subsequently tempted her husband to do the same, all women are condemned to be subordinate.
The pertinent verse is as follows:
"To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.'"[3:16]This verse is not as naysayers would read it. I know [See Dictum 1]. It is not a universal condemnation of all women from Eve until the end of time. The pain during childbirth is an image that mirrors males forced to work in the fields. The last sentence that seems to project male dominance is an intentional distortion of perfect communion with one another and with God. Male dominance is a distortion of God's original intention, it is a sin. Christianity claims to pursue a more perfect unity with God and fellow man; thus, Christians must pursue equality in relationships.
If nothing else, male and female can find unity in their mutual inferiority to myself. I am John C. Calhoun, I am right, I am sexless. "There is no other tale to tell"
Calhoun out.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Calhoun Morality
Welcome to the Roar, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Before we begin, I thought it important to dictate a set of presuppositions that ought to accompany the millions of Calhounites that will undoubtably flock here.
Here follows the bedrock of the Blog
[Also known as the 5 Dictums]:
[1] I am right, always and forever.
[2] When I am not right (which usually indicates that I am absent), others are still wrong.
[3] There is a correct morality, which I know as a result of Dictum 1.
[4] There is absolute truth ,which I know as a result of Dictum 1.
[5] When the dust settles, I am the Sledgehammer and my enemy is the Rubble.
Posts with come in three forms:
[1] Proclamations; an authoritative statement with implicit explanations.
[2] Arguments; a line of debate laced with evidence, which comes to the inevitable conclusion that follows from Dictum 1.
[3] Orations; speech in transcript form, carrying the force of the Red-Tailed Hawk's cry.
Calhoun out.
Before we begin, I thought it important to dictate a set of presuppositions that ought to accompany the millions of Calhounites that will undoubtably flock here.
Here follows the bedrock of the Blog
[Also known as the 5 Dictums]:
[1] I am right, always and forever.
[2] When I am not right (which usually indicates that I am absent), others are still wrong.
[3] There is a correct morality, which I know as a result of Dictum 1.
[4] There is absolute truth ,which I know as a result of Dictum 1.
[5] When the dust settles, I am the Sledgehammer and my enemy is the Rubble.
Posts with come in three forms:
[1] Proclamations; an authoritative statement with implicit explanations.
[2] Arguments; a line of debate laced with evidence, which comes to the inevitable conclusion that follows from Dictum 1.
[3] Orations; speech in transcript form, carrying the force of the Red-Tailed Hawk's cry.
Calhoun out.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)