Hope is Hilarious

In course of reading and considering 1 Peter, it becomes easy to resign oneself to suffering "in the name of Christ". Several select verses suggest that as God-fearing men, we are to suffer for our savior [in particular, 1 Peter 4:13-16]. I write today with the solemn intention of ridding the reader of this laughable notion.

Resolved and Proclaimed: Hope is a hilarious indulgence that America has neither the time nor the patience to entertain.

Let us first stack the enemy's rhetorical house of cards [with the full intention of obliterating it with a gust of Absolute Truth]. Naysayers build their stance on the suffering of Christ. They say that just as Christ suffered, we are to suffer. They say that Christianity is, by nature, a way of life that exposes one to suffering. They say that in some sense, Christians are called to suffer because Christianity itself is not an easy way of life. They say that the Christian may endure this suffering with the hope [Bah!] that they will be rewarded in the afterlife. [You may pause to laugh before I continue.]

Only one notion from the above series of fallacies can be confirmed: Christ suffered. Indeed, our Lord and Savior did die by crucifixion at the hands of Roman officials and Pharisee accusers. But, one cannot interpret this historical and spiritual fact as the beginning of perpetual Christian suffering. Imagine: a religion who's single goal is to condemn its believers to a life of suffering based on an overall benefit to humanity. Bah! Herein lies the hilarious conclusion: in Christianity, life is suffering and hope is death.

Christians are not called to suffer, nor can they expect even an ounce of suffering in their lifetimes. Christ obviously suffered so that Christians wouldn't have to. We need not hope because as Christians, we live in the best of all possible worlds. We laugh at hope because it implies that we are unhappy. And, after all, what is there to be unhappy about? This is America under God. We are a fortress of perfect humanity.

So take those 'calls to serve' in the lesser regions of the world with a fist full of salt. Obviously, if they're not happy, they're not Christian enough. Clearly, our Christianity is more powerful than their Christianity. We need not lower ourselves in the name of 'compassion' and 'philanthropy' because that would risk suffering on our part. After all, what is the purpose of Christianity if not to make our lives better?

Surely you see my side [the correct side] of the argument. I suggest you too adjust your life accordingly, reminding yourself on a daily basis of the former. Free yourself with the knowledge that you already reside in the world's beacon of light. Moreover, you will undoubtedly be overcome with a feeling of disgust for those who think differently. They attempt to reign on our collective, perpetual parade of happiness. Discard them, and discard their dogma. Embrace the truth. And all the patriots in the room said: "Amen."

Calhoun out.