Ladies and Gentlemen, the avalanche is in full swing. The currency is flowing. Cars are filling once empty lots. People are rushing. People are planning. Children are screaming. The whole of the earth (America) is bustling the way it has not bustled in at least year. I write, of course, of the holidays- the important ones. And yes, there are important ones. We will define holiday importance later.
Let me begin by relating a personal tale. The other evening I made a trip to my local market. Of course, I was not out to purchase any item. [My residence operates self-sufficiently, all I have, I produce]. I often venture into sprawling American cities (with no particular pursuit) to observe American life in all its splendor. I was particularly alarmed at this visit.
On this evening, I entered several fine establishments only to find that their good names were being destroyed by the very individuals who frequented them. I observed the following:
[1] A customer place a compact disc back into the correct place after they had decided not to make the purchase.
[2] A woman re-fold a piece of clothing after deciding not to try it on.
[3] In general, people smiling at hourly employees.
[4] Cars yielding to pedestrians in parking lots.
[5] Children and Adults alike behaving.
[6] Empathy, O disgusting empathy.
Bah! Eventually, my visit became so infuriating I was compelled to jump atop the nearest cash register and shout my peace. I would include the transcript, but it contains too many expletives to place on the interweb. The aforementioned observations reveal a sad state of affairs that must be remedied. And accordingly, I shall be the one to produce the elixir. Prepare for battle...
The single most important thing to remember when engaging in the holiday capitalist harvest is this: no one cares about you, but you. All things follow from this. An analogy should suffice: T. Hobbes described the law as hedgerows, within which, we are free to roam. This analogy is true. Within the hedgerows of the law there must be chaos for their to be freedom. The marketplace is within these hedgerows, thus, it must be a place of nauseating madness- so thick and terrible it could choke your will to live. The naysayers shall ask- why? Why must there be chaos?
A simple answer follows an idiotic question. There must be chaos because our desires are chaotic. We are complicated human beings who do not know what they truly want until absolute freedom is thrust upon them. We must be given the latitude to discover our true will. The marketplace can provide this.
The remedy is simple, friends. To be sure, I witnessed things last evening that encourage me. There may yet be chaos in paradise. But I shall not leave it to chance. You must be told what to do so that you can be free. Here follows the Great American Model for Holiday Shopping:
Proclamation: The market must be laid to waste.
I. Parking;
A. Park as close as possible, as slowly as possible. God forbid, you should have to "walk" great distances. It is always better to wait 5 minutes with the oil burning rather than park 50 feet farther away.
B. Do not yield- to pedestrians, other cars, or animals. Yielding only slows commerce. If they were right they would no be in your way.
C. If you are in a larger marketplace, drive to each individual store. Expedience is supreme.
II. Entering a store
A. Accept no greeting. Some stores have stumbled upon a rough path. Do not reply to their congenial workers.
B. Open doors for no one. You are not "all in this together". This is a war.
III. Browsing
A. The rule of thumb is to take everything you are remotely interested [and some things you're not] and either place it into your bag, or onto the floor. If it is a piece of clothing, unfold it. If it is an item in a package, remove it from its package; and, if you have time, place it back into the package incorrectly.
B. Shout at employees. You are there to get what you want, not to care about their "feelings"
C. Allow your child to cry. Ignore the child, it will eventually get tired.
D. Do not bend to the store's will. Ignore their "lines" and "policies". Organizations that have set up pre-determined artificial hedgerows must not be suffered. If you wish to purchase an item, simply walk to the front of the "line" and do so. If you wish to return something, return it and take your money back by force if necessary.
IV. General
A. Remember, all things exist for your benefit.
B. Remember, nothing is beyond your reach unless you allow it to be.
C. Never forget, all prevail when each individual makes every attempt to prevail.
The importance of the holidays is to provide us with a perfect snapshot of how we should operate year round. The important holidays expose this. So, do not fret, all is not lost. There are many days left in this season. Seize them! Besiege them! And if you have already failed, there is always next year.
Calhoun out.
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