Ladies and Gentlemen, the avalanche is in full swing. The currency is flowing. Cars are filling once empty lots. People are rushing. People are planning. Children are screaming. The whole of the earth (America) is bustling the way it has not bustled in at least year. I write, of course, of the holidays- the important ones. And yes, there are important ones. We will define holiday importance later.
Let me begin by relating a personal tale. The other evening I made a trip to my local market. Of course, I was not out to purchase any item. [My residence operates self-sufficiently, all I have, I produce]. I often venture into sprawling American cities (with no particular pursuit) to observe American life in all its splendor. I was particularly alarmed at this visit.
On this evening, I entered several fine establishments only to find that their good names were being destroyed by the very individuals who frequented them. I observed the following:
[1] A customer place a compact disc back into the correct place after they had decided not to make the purchase.
[2] A woman re-fold a piece of clothing after deciding not to try it on.
[3] In general, people smiling at hourly employees.
[4] Cars yielding to pedestrians in parking lots.
[5] Children and Adults alike behaving.
[6] Empathy, O disgusting empathy.
Bah! Eventually, my visit became so infuriating I was compelled to jump atop the nearest cash register and shout my peace. I would include the transcript, but it contains too many expletives to place on the interweb. The aforementioned observations reveal a sad state of affairs that must be remedied. And accordingly, I shall be the one to produce the elixir. Prepare for battle...
The single most important thing to remember when engaging in the holiday capitalist harvest is this: no one cares about you, but you. All things follow from this. An analogy should suffice: T. Hobbes described the law as hedgerows, within which, we are free to roam. This analogy is true. Within the hedgerows of the law there must be chaos for their to be freedom. The marketplace is within these hedgerows, thus, it must be a place of nauseating madness- so thick and terrible it could choke your will to live. The naysayers shall ask- why? Why must there be chaos?
A simple answer follows an idiotic question. There must be chaos because our desires are chaotic. We are complicated human beings who do not know what they truly want until absolute freedom is thrust upon them. We must be given the latitude to discover our true will. The marketplace can provide this.
The remedy is simple, friends. To be sure, I witnessed things last evening that encourage me. There may yet be chaos in paradise. But I shall not leave it to chance. You must be told what to do so that you can be free. Here follows the Great American Model for Holiday Shopping:
Proclamation: The market must be laid to waste.
I. Parking;
A. Park as close as possible, as slowly as possible. God forbid, you should have to "walk" great distances. It is always better to wait 5 minutes with the oil burning rather than park 50 feet farther away.
B. Do not yield- to pedestrians, other cars, or animals. Yielding only slows commerce. If they were right they would no be in your way.
C. If you are in a larger marketplace, drive to each individual store. Expedience is supreme.
II. Entering a store
A. Accept no greeting. Some stores have stumbled upon a rough path. Do not reply to their congenial workers.
B. Open doors for no one. You are not "all in this together". This is a war.
III. Browsing
A. The rule of thumb is to take everything you are remotely interested [and some things you're not] and either place it into your bag, or onto the floor. If it is a piece of clothing, unfold it. If it is an item in a package, remove it from its package; and, if you have time, place it back into the package incorrectly.
B. Shout at employees. You are there to get what you want, not to care about their "feelings"
C. Allow your child to cry. Ignore the child, it will eventually get tired.
D. Do not bend to the store's will. Ignore their "lines" and "policies". Organizations that have set up pre-determined artificial hedgerows must not be suffered. If you wish to purchase an item, simply walk to the front of the "line" and do so. If you wish to return something, return it and take your money back by force if necessary.
IV. General
A. Remember, all things exist for your benefit.
B. Remember, nothing is beyond your reach unless you allow it to be.
C. Never forget, all prevail when each individual makes every attempt to prevail.
The importance of the holidays is to provide us with a perfect snapshot of how we should operate year round. The important holidays expose this. So, do not fret, all is not lost. There are many days left in this season. Seize them! Besiege them! And if you have already failed, there is always next year.
Calhoun out.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
And the Righteous Shall Pillage the Earth...
Proclamation: The state of being Christian affords one the authority to ruin the rest of God's creation.
There is an ongoing "movement" in this country that seeks to undermine the principles humanity was founded upon. Everywhere they look to make life more difficult. They beg you- Conserve! Recycle! Renew! Invest! Go Green! [God forbid it.] Everywhere they infect: street corners, shopping malls, all three branches of government, et cetera. They bring a message of folly directly to your television screen while planting their agents in the classroom to affect your children. There is no reprieve from their efforts [that much can be admired]. I have included a summary of their argument in the film below:
The Battle Cry of the Stewards
Let us raze their argument. Their several implicit realities that the Stewards [we shall call them] have laid out in their visual manifesto:
[1] We can save polar bears by buying electric cars.
[2] The Wilds will show us grateful gratefulness for our efforts.
[3] The Wild becomes angry with every act of human expansion.
[4] The Wild is adorable.
The truth of each matter is as follows:
[1] There is nothing anyone can do to save the polar bears in their natural condition.
[2] Wilderness cannot show gratitude.
[3] Wilderness cannot show anger.
[4] The Wild is just as wretched as the human race.
The film begged you to join the Steward's cause with a plea from their darling polar bear. There are a few facts left out of this plea. For one, lone polar bears do not sit and watch global warming in their free time. In fact, "lone polar bear" is a myth. This country has been indoctrinated with the belief that their are approx. 5 polar bears left on the whole planet. After careful research [using my 1980 Encyclopedia Americanica] I discovered their are 25,000 polar bears left on the earth. But this is beside the point. If polar bears are meant to die out, let them die out. Their hunting habits and lives are dependent upon ice. Humans have built their houses upon the rocks, thank you very much.
If polar bears aren't intelligent enough to base their livelihood on something that won't melt when we build coal refineries, then they aren't intelligent enough to feel human emotions. This goes for the entire wilderness. The Wild cannot feel gratitude and anger. It is not a collective entity. It does not have a central mind. They claim: "Every time you cut down a tree a polar bear dies" False! The whole of the earth does not react as an interconnected entity.
What's more, why would we want to save the Wild were it on the verge of destruction? Let us remember all that the Wild has given us: Disease, Famine, Drought, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, the list runs forever and a day. The day the last wild thing dies I will drink a glass of fire and call it victory.
In the beginning God gave us the power over the rest of his creation. We were not elected Stewards, we were appointed dictators. Now we shall do what comes most naturally to us: destroy. It is our right to use this earth like there is no tomorrow. Cut down the trees and name the streets after them. Do not look back. Do not shed a tear for the polar bear. Were you to ever encounter him he would surely devour you. He would shed no tear for you.
Onward! To the reaches of the Earth and back again, dear Friends. Spare us the cycles and green talk. We have no time for it. We have a planet to plunder.
Calhoun out.
There is an ongoing "movement" in this country that seeks to undermine the principles humanity was founded upon. Everywhere they look to make life more difficult. They beg you- Conserve! Recycle! Renew! Invest! Go Green! [God forbid it.] Everywhere they infect: street corners, shopping malls, all three branches of government, et cetera. They bring a message of folly directly to your television screen while planting their agents in the classroom to affect your children. There is no reprieve from their efforts [that much can be admired]. I have included a summary of their argument in the film below:
The Battle Cry of the Stewards
Let us raze their argument. Their several implicit realities that the Stewards [we shall call them] have laid out in their visual manifesto:
[1] We can save polar bears by buying electric cars.
[2] The Wilds will show us grateful gratefulness for our efforts.
[3] The Wild becomes angry with every act of human expansion.
[4] The Wild is adorable.
The truth of each matter is as follows:
[1] There is nothing anyone can do to save the polar bears in their natural condition.
[2] Wilderness cannot show gratitude.
[3] Wilderness cannot show anger.
[4] The Wild is just as wretched as the human race.
The film begged you to join the Steward's cause with a plea from their darling polar bear. There are a few facts left out of this plea. For one, lone polar bears do not sit and watch global warming in their free time. In fact, "lone polar bear" is a myth. This country has been indoctrinated with the belief that their are approx. 5 polar bears left on the whole planet. After careful research [using my 1980 Encyclopedia Americanica] I discovered their are 25,000 polar bears left on the earth. But this is beside the point. If polar bears are meant to die out, let them die out. Their hunting habits and lives are dependent upon ice. Humans have built their houses upon the rocks, thank you very much.
If polar bears aren't intelligent enough to base their livelihood on something that won't melt when we build coal refineries, then they aren't intelligent enough to feel human emotions. This goes for the entire wilderness. The Wild cannot feel gratitude and anger. It is not a collective entity. It does not have a central mind. They claim: "Every time you cut down a tree a polar bear dies" False! The whole of the earth does not react as an interconnected entity.
What's more, why would we want to save the Wild were it on the verge of destruction? Let us remember all that the Wild has given us: Disease, Famine, Drought, Tsunamis, Hurricanes, the list runs forever and a day. The day the last wild thing dies I will drink a glass of fire and call it victory.
In the beginning God gave us the power over the rest of his creation. We were not elected Stewards, we were appointed dictators. Now we shall do what comes most naturally to us: destroy. It is our right to use this earth like there is no tomorrow. Cut down the trees and name the streets after them. Do not look back. Do not shed a tear for the polar bear. Were you to ever encounter him he would surely devour you. He would shed no tear for you.
Onward! To the reaches of the Earth and back again, dear Friends. Spare us the cycles and green talk. We have no time for it. We have a planet to plunder.
Calhoun out.
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